Red Diamonds Newsletter: What Are We Willing to Face, the Condescending Laugh, Leadership Communication Errors, an Executive Coach Tells You What He Has Learned, Your Questions, Advice and Coming Attractions
A weekly newsletter on decisions, communication, behavior, trust, conflict, risk, professional relationships, reputation and crisis, that regularly includes interviews with bright, accomplished minds.
This Week’s Contents
Conversation: What are We Willing to Face?
Behavior: What is Going on with the Condescending Laugh?
(Interview with Kimberly Friedmutter)They Said What: Leadership Communication and Reputation Errors
Executive Coach Explains What He’s Learned Coaching Professionals
(Interview with Tom Henschel)Advisory in a Tweet
Questions and Answers: What is Your Question?
Coming Attractions
Connect or Contact
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
James Baldwin
American novelist, playwright, essayist, poet, and activist
1924–1987
Whether it be in a professional or personal context, Baldwin’s declaration rings true. Turning a blind eye to difficulty, concerns, problems or crisis leaves organizations and individuals stuck in the status quo and likely increasing the risk of greater problems.
We see organizations fail in governance and compliance or just run ragged operations. We see individuals bring great harm on others or themselves due to conflict avoidance with others or themselves, badly damaging reputations.
Only by facing, with courage and determination, can we hope to make slight, yet critical adjustments or fully correct course and benefit.
What are your thoughts? What does this mean to you?
How experienced are you being on the receiving end of someone’s condescending laugh with an conversation or debate?
You know this behavior, people acting in a matter where they are so full of themselves and disagreeing with you with an air of superiority and use of a creepy laugh that is not rooted in natural, shared humor (even if they later claim it was a joke) within a positive interaction but instead, derision.
What is going on in people that conduct themselves in such a manner?
“What the laugh reveals is an agenda, a strategy, a plan to skew information received. The back door approach. In other words, it’s not clean communication,” says Kimberly Friedmutter, author of Subconscious Power: Use Your Inner Mind to Create the Life You’ve Always Wanted
As for the motivation, Friedmutter says it’s rooted in perceptions from experiences of the person doing it.
“This person does this behavior thinking it’s working. If they didn’t believe it was working, they would pivot that behavior,” she says.
Friedmutter says most often this type of laugh is learned behavior and yet necessarily from positive role modeling.
“When we mimic, it doesn’t mean we mimic for what actually works but for what we perceive works. Rest assured that someone who does this, does it because at some point it was working for them,” she says.
Users of this type of behavior don’t often recognize that it carries little value yet Friedmutter says that doesn’t matter and that only consequences or punishment are likely to change the mindset that drives the impulse and default reaction to some psychological trigger in the person acting this way.
“If a condescending laugh gets you fired by your manager, you learn to eliminate that behavior for your financial survival,” she says. “If you practice this behavior and are unaware of how off-putting it is, your social survival will be at risk until you pivot. Nothing arrests our bad behavior like getting stung for it.”
As for helping influence change or proving persuasive in positively affecting behavior, Friedmutter says someone willing to lead can help steer the person and their mocking laughter away from their behavior.
“Socially, someone may confront a snide laugher or smirker and if this person is high enough in the social order or pack or has authority or respect, the behavior may change.”
Ever said something completely inappropriate? Most of us have, either intentionally or unintentionally. Yet not all of us are leaders of corporations so the media didn’t broadcast our mistakes, errors and foolishness far and wide.
Two companies were not as fortunate as we may have been with our faux pas.
How about Charter Communications, one of the largest phone and internet providers in the U.S., giving an ultimatum to an employee (Nick Wheeler) who strongly felt he and co-workers should not be working in the office was dangerous with the coronavirus health crisis present.
His email may have been pointed yet wasn’t it also reasonable?
“I do not understand why we are still coming into the office as the COVID-19 pandemic surges around us?
“The CDC guidelines are clear. The CDPHE guidelines are clear. The WHO guidelines are clear. The science of social distancing is real. We have the complete ability to do our jobs entirely from home
“Coming into the office now is pointlessly reckless. It’s also socially irresponsible. Charter, like the rest of us, should do what is necessary to help reduce the spread of coronavirus. Social distancing has a real slowing effect on the virus — that means lives can be saved.
“A hazard condition isn’t acceptable for the infrastructure beyond the short-term. Why is it acceptable for our health?”
Wheeler was called into the vice president’s office, scolded and told he could work in the office or take sick leave; so, an ultimatum. He decided to resign.
Management told him to go home and think about it. He later received communication that his resignation was accepted.
Is Wheeler the “bad guy” and a detriment to the company? Is he a cancer to the culture? Or is he a concerned human being?
Bottom line: this is a terribly bad look for Charter Communications, the brand and leadership. It was egocentric and mismanagement on parade and sent a clear message to the organization’s people that their health is of second priority.
It is unskilled employee relations (read the long list of employees disgust in the comments of the story at the link earlier in this write up), low consideration for public relations, dangerous risk management and led to absolutely rotted reputation to current employees and possibly future prospects.
One more organizational leader leading recklessly with his communication: Dick Kovacevich, a current executive at Cisco and Cargill, talking about a return to work for employees during the coronavirus health scare.
“We’ll gradually bring those people back and see what happens. Some of them will get sick, some may even die, I don’t know. Do you want to suffer more economically or take some risk that you’ll get flu-like symptoms and a flu-like experience? Do you want to take an economic risk or a health risk? You get to choose.”
Yes, he said it, like that. That could be a fireable offense within some organizations, speaking without emotional intelligence, wisdom and tact and bringing negative publicity his employer’s way.
The board of directors cannot be happy with such compassion-less communication where severe illness and deaths might actually occur, devastating families.
If Kovacevich is retained, a communications coach would be the wisest investment the company can make against future damaging remarks to reputation. He also might want to speak to the errors of his remarks and understand how they likely are received by employees and their families.
Executive coaches learn from working with executives and other professionals. What do they see and experience?
Tom Henschel spoke to the Red Diamonds Newsletter to discuss his experiences and observations in this interview.
Henschel, the CEO and Principal Consultant and Executive and Leadership Coach at Essential Communications, shares some interesting and helpful insight that you don’t often hear or read about.
Advisory in a Tweet
What fear do you quietly hold on to regarding how others view you? Are you sure they see you this way? If so, have you asked yourself what personal development you can pursue as an “investment in you” to change the perception & narrative, bring you peace & a stronger reputation?
Question sent my way
Someone on your team lashes out at another teammate. They copy you (the boss) in their communication. What actions, if any, should you take?
This kind of unprofessional behavior is clearly, using the buzz word of the times, “toxic” to relationships and culture. It should never happen yet when it does, it needs to be immediately addressed in a manner that is not only firm but civil, curious and of a peacemaking focus.
Consider it a “teaching moment” or “teachable moment.”
Go to that person, face to face if possible (or second best choice, call them on the telephone) and express how you noticed they were upset and ask them what triggered the intensity of their response?
Do this in a manner that conveys as non-judgmental curiosity (as to not create or escalate conflict).
Listen patiently, attentively and with compassion, even if you disagree. Seek out what the conflict for the aggressor means to them?
What is underneath their aggravation and misbehavior? Present your interpretation and see how they respond.
Then you ask them, politely, “how else could that discontent or aggravation been presented to express yourself?”
Maybe that can be followed by “how else can we solve this problem in a way that might positively motivate someone to listen and collaborate instead of shutting down on you, being resentful or filing a complaint that might go in your record?”
If this aggressor is resistant to this type of discussion, you could politely ask them who would they allow to talk to them in a similar fashion as they did to the teammate they lashed out at, without wanting it to be addressed by themselves or you?
Be the leader, as an informal mediator (for bring in a professional mediator if you want) to bring the two people together to discuss expectations, communication, teamwork and civil, respectful conduct.
It is also then important to communicate to the entire team the issue and the solution. The aggressor also should be strongly encouraged to communicate to the team what they learned from the experience and how they could have responded instead of how they chose to initially.
Present all this positively to the team so it is not considered humiliation. If it is presented as education and no shame is present, people will learn and the culture will too and be better for it.
Also reaching out to the employee/teammate who was the target of the venom and showing them compassion and communicating that how they were treated was unprofessional and unkind and you will be addressing it immediately and thoroughly could alleviate some of their pain and earn you additional trust, respect and influence.
Ignoring it, as many leaders do, negatively enables behavior and creates a myriad of personnel issues and team dynamic weaknesses.
Great question. That you even asked it shows higher character leadership. You are also conducting wise risk management, protecting your team and whether they realize it or not, you are helping restore or rebuild the reputation of the aggressor.
Here is just some of what is coming your way in next week’s issue:
How Losing Your Reputation Can Be Helpful
The Organizational Lessons That Can Be Learned From the Dissolution of the Historically Strong Relationship Between Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and New England Patriots
Benefits of Approaching Conversations with Curiosity
Michael Toebe is a specialist for reputation relations and crisis management, serving organizations and high-profile individuals.
He writes the Red Diamonds weekly newsletter (found here on Medium and LinkedIn), is the host of the Reputation Talk short-segment podcast and writes advisory articles for online magazines.
Connect or contact at LinkedIn or specialist.reputation@gmail.com
”In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
Albert Einstein
